Successful Baby's First Daycare Dropoff 101

Four babies in, this first day of daycare drop off will be a breeze. Let me show you my ways.
I'll kiss her on the head, wave bye bye and walk out in my heels with a smile.
I'm a pro by now. I'm an expert. I can do this. She will be fine. I will be fine.
I keep telling myself this. 
Over and over. 
And over again.

I'm LYING!!!
I'm a mess inside.
A jumbled mess.

Sorry to disappoint, I have no clue how to make it through the first daycare drop off without ugly crying. Snot and tears and makeup running down your face cry. It ain't pretty. Just prepare your heart and wait to put on makeup until you get to work. 

The entire night before Karis' first day of daycare I just would not let myself get emotional because I knew the damn would burst. I could feel the pressure of it building up. I was all business to attempt to keep things together. 
Each step I got closer to leaving the house, I felt that lump in my throat. 
That lump that is one second away from losing it. I knew each moment was pure gold.
Nursing her that morning my gut hurt a little.
Kissing her chunky toes at diaper change time. 
Looking in her big, brown doe eyes.
Putting her in her car seat.
Bringing her into daycare. Smiling at each other. 
I took her out of her seat and handed her over. 
This babe that grew in me almost ten months and has been attached for the last six. 
This tiny, sweet smelling, chunky thigh girl. 
I kissed her on the head and walked out. 
I looked back one last time and those big, brown doe eyes looked at me.
They clearly said, "mom, why are you leaving me?"
I smiled and quickly left before the damn broke.
Deep breathe. She will be fine. She will be fine.
Maybe I'll turn the radio on to distract myself.
Mistake. My song came on the moment I turned on the dial.
Ugly cry.
Ugly cry just spewed out.

I disappointed her. I left her. I'm a terrible mother. I'm going to scar her for life. I'm damaging our relationship. My baby needs me and no one is as good as me for her. What if she's scared? What if the person watching her doesn't pat her butt just so? What if they don't hold her right or sing her favorite song? What if I'm failing as her mother?
It is not easy on your first or your fourth baby. Day one is hard, day 12 is too and so is day 89. The first few weeks of transition are hard for both of you. It gets easier but their is still a tender bruise where you left your babe. An ache each time you look at their picture while you are at your desk. An ache each time you think about how that morning you forgot to give them a hug or maybe didn't get enough time holding them. An ache. A tenderness. 

Whether you are working because it's a financial requirement like me or because your work is something you truly love and it benefits your soul and others to work. We are raising these little arrows to go out and impact the world. Each time we separate from them we are both learning to trust God more. We are learning how to be our own self again. They are learning to become their own self too. The moment the umbilical cord is cut we are both learning how to live a little tiny bit further apart and it's sad. Sad. Ugly cry sad. But it is the crucible of parenting. So go ahead and ugly cry momma. Allow that ache while you grin at their photo on your desk to spur you on to becoming your best self in Christ. Motherhood ain't pretty some days and your gonna ugly cry. Just know Jesus is right next to you friend. You are a good mom. You are.


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