boys

But Joy

Saturday, March 07, 2015

He was quietly putting on his winter boots and five fingered gloves all by himself. I asked if he needed help, to which he replied, "I can do it myself" and proceeded to tighten his coat sleeves around his gloves. I felt it. Right then. He was big. My tiny preemie baby that I prayed and prayed for was a boy. Not a toddler, a boy.
Sigh.
Tears and joy all filled up my throat an I just wanted to hold him. I knew he wouldn't let me, so I didn't ask but my goodness how am I here already? Boyhood. Almost five. The twins have regular, adult conversations and Ethan has grown inches upon inches at three and a half. All this while I snuggle up next to my two week old girl.  
I find myself looking back at photos trying to remember them when. All I wanted then was to get out of their current stage and onto self reliance. Now that I am getting there, I hope I can correctly hold onto all the beautiful memories of them being so tiny. I hope I can hold onto the feeling of their soft baby head on my cheek, the bright giggles, the first beach trip, all those beauties. I think that's why I'm addicted to photographing them. To hold a moment still. The joy I feel in those moments is so cherished I don't want them to fleet away from me. 
I get that most days are just plain crazy and you just cannot wait for them to go to bed for some peace and quiet. Trust me, I get it, way deep in my bones get it. Today though, today I want to soak in the tub of the warm memories and let them shape how I experience my kids today. Let them remind me how fleeting each moment is. To look each kid in the eye, smile, hug, laugh and play with them. Amidst the chaos, there is joy. Some days I need to dig deep to find it, but joy.
But JOY today mommas. But Joy.

Honestly with love,
Rach



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