Ethan

Last: Ethan Turns Three

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

Tomorrow I will wake up and the last tiny babe that grew inside my belly will be three years old.

Three.

He was growing in my belly long before I knew of him, before I ever expected him and before I ever knew love could be so wide and so, so deep.
The last one. The last baby.


At the time I didn't know he would be the last human of three to grow and twist and kick inside me. 
I didn't know it was the last time I would press newborn skin upon my chest or breathe in deeply his new sweet smell. The last time I would nurse a fuzzy headed baby and we would fall asleep chest to chest. The last time I'd be filled with fear and wonder and newfound love leaving the hospital with a new human. The last time I'd be up all night feeding, wear spit up on my shirt or baby wear him everywhere I could. The last first tooth, first words, first steps. The last potty training, the last terrible twos, the last one's first day of school.
I grieve those lasts.
I grieve them because in those moments I never thought about the fact that they could be my lasts.
I didn't breathe in deeply and experience those moments as I should. I just wanted through them.
I am grateful for the sweet aromas of those memories of my last tiny babe. 
I am grateful for the future of what is to come. That I can experience those lasts more deeply now that I am aware they exist. 




Ethan Joseph your dimpled smile lights up any room with joy.
It always has, always will.
You may be my last but every moment with you is new. 
Happy third birthday to my spunky, spirited blonde baby.
My surprise, my insight into my own stubborn heart, my tiny dancer.

In love with you more each day. Happy birthday!!


Honestly with love,
Rachel

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