devotions

Treadmill Cry

Monday, June 16, 2014

Have you ever tried letting out a cry while running on a treadmill? Running, not jogging. 

I mean one of those cries where your throat gets all tight and swollen and you need to whimper a bit just to get it out. Yes that.

It is physically impossible to do while running.
Try it, I double dog dare you.

Now, I am not a crier. 
Take that back. 
I cry at commercials, sad movies, etc. Okay, I guess I am a crier. A little. Well, a baby.
I do not however typically cry about stuff. Really, I promise.  Well last week I was reading the lovely Lisa Jo Baker's new book, Surprised by Motherhood, and I felt this cry creeping up on me. It felt odd to be needing to cry while reading a book. It felt odd to need to cry, it has been a very long time. I was running out my stress on the treadmill upstairs in my boys old monkey tree painted bedroom. I was alone. I was kindle reading and running. It felt like this releasing sort of cry crept up for no reason but the beauty of the story I was reading. It was like I was reading a story about me written by someone else. She knew me. She was in my place. I could feel her deep emotion. It felt like mine. 

Her water broke with her third babe on a Saturday at 8am surrounded by her children, walked into labor and delivery and had a c-section with all the world spinning around her brunette little head. This mothering thing was making her, she was not mastering it by any means.  Exactly me. To the detail and time, among other things. She was telling me my story and I just needed to sob with her. Sister with her.

I am right there friends. Running on that treadmill unable to let go the cry.
Are you there too?
Trying to figure out how this mothering thing is messing you up and creating beauty on your face all wrapped up? Trying to cry it out, running hard, but it just will. not. come. out!!
This beauty and pain is swelling up in my throat and I can feel it filling me up. I try to gulp it down. Nope, that doesn't work. I try to force it out, nope physically impossible.

On the days when mothering has brought you to the brink of what you think you can handle.
On the days when you feel like you are not cut out to be a mom.
On the days you yell and feel guilty.
On the days you feel overwhelmed by all the stuff to do and the kids clawing at you.
On the days your heart is aching to be with them and then they have a meltdown.
These are the days that make us moms. These are the days.
These are the days we are running our hardest on the treadmill of our same as yesterday life and we cannot get the cry out. We are strong, brave runners us mothers. We don't give up. We keep running on empty while catching vomit in our hands and the flu in our belly. We are operating on mom-mode and letting all these feelings build up. We need to stop running and take a moment to be present with Jesus and cry out to Him.  We are all filled up with guilt and overwhelming kiddo love and not-enough-ness and God sees us there and says, "Baby girl, if you would just take a moment and be with me. Rest in my arms, cry it out, stop trying to do it on your own." 
It is physically impossible to cry while running hard on a treadmill. I promise you.
Let's get off for a few moments and rest in Jesus tonight friend. Stinky, sweaty, muscle aches and all.
The more time I spend with Jesus, the better I become. After kiddos bedtime I need to reflect, refresh and restore my soul with Jesus. Take a rest day between those run days momma and let Jesus heal you.
Matthew 11:28 says, "Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”

Honestly with love,

Rachel







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