You know those big, ugly cicada bugs that dart across the humid summer sky? Back and forth clicking that song they sing and landing on tree trunks littering the yard? The ones you played with their hard, brown bug like leftover skin when you were that tomboy girl? Yeah, those.
I feel like a big, ugly bug.
Yes, I am a bit if a weirdo. I know, I know.
Cicadas live underground for years and years.
They live as an adult for a month in their skin before they shed it on your tree trunk and move on.
Where am I going with this bug story?
Stick with me.
I always knew I wanted to be a momma. My heart had desires of careers I wanted but at the center of it all was motherhood. Motherhood held this heavy, empty spot in my heart I could not deny. When I could not fill it, I felt lost. My heartfelt calling in life was always just too far for my hand to grasp. I was underground like a cicada. Wanting to be a mom, but stuck underground.
When I emerged from the dirt and mire, ready to fly, it was all so much different than I had planned in my mind, this motherhood thing. I sang this ugly, clicking sound of a song. It wasn't as beautiful as I thought. It was beautiful and painful all at once. I didn't fit in my skin anymore. I didn't know my direction. I was stuck. Uncomfortable. I had no clue what I was doing. Stuck in the house with babies and an electric breast pump draining the life from my breasts. These babies were sucking the the sleep from my eyes, the clear thoughts from my brain, the cleanliness from my body, the style from my wardrobe, the sanity from my soul. I felt not enough.
Not socially savvy enough.
Not stylish enough.
Not skinny enough.
Not pretty enough.
Not organized enough.
Not strong enough.
Not smart enough.
Not employee enough.
Not daughter enough.
Not friend enough.
Not wife enough.
Not mom enough.
Just as you are all empty, tired, guilty and feeling not enough.
Just then, Jesus is standing there saying, "honey girl you are enough."
Teary and lonely and uncomfortable in your skin just where you are.
You are enough.
You are more than enough.
You are swelling with newness and glory and a fulfilled heart you cannot see yet.
I am creating a new heart in you. New skin. You are becoming a new creation.
Giving up of yourself, emptying yourself, letting go of yourself.
New skin. New heart. New you. New.
You are loved. You are chosen. You are His daughter. You are enough.
Amidst the things you think you have lost, you are just gaining new life. New glorious life.
Emerging from old skin and leaving it behind.
I am sure there will be lots of cicada skins left on trees all over the place throughout motherhood. Momentos of the growth. Proof you are enough in Christ.
Each time you feel the squeeze, just say "new skins growing."
We are growing into mommas. Growing, changing, getting better, morphing into new women.
Second Corinthians 4 puts it like this:
Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.
Or the Message: So we’re not giving up. How could we! Even though on the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without his unfolding grace. These hard times are small potatoes compared to the coming good times, the lavish celebration prepared for us. There’s far more here than meets the eye. The things we see now are here today, gone tomorrow. But the things we can’t see now will last forever.
Honestly with love,