Loosening My Grip

From the moment I saw your two fluttering heartbeats on the Doppler screen my heart raced with fear and love all wrapped into one big, scary lump in my throat. Joy. Sheer joy. Look what God had given me. I had no idea what I was doing and God is trusting me with your two tiny souls. Scary!!!

As I held your tiny, preemie fingers through the incubator before I ever even held you I just cried. You held my finger tight. I held it back tight. You were mine. I didn't want to let go. I couldn't sleep in the NICU. I had to let go and let the nurses care for you sometimes. Those caring, nurturing nurses taught me how to bathe, nurse and change you since you were so tiny. It made letting go for a moment a tad easier. 

We have been through a lot of firsts together boys. First pregnancy. First car ride home. First eye contact. First smile. First figuring out how to open a stroller. First laugh.  First tickle.  First cry of sleepless night exhaustion. First outing with twins. First very messy baby food feeding. First, "mama." First steps. First boo-boo. First birthday. 

I am learning as I go boys. If tomorrow, your first day of preschool, I am an ugly crier--forgive me now. It's my first time going through this. All I know is that those tiny little fingers I held through the incubator now are leaving me for the day to go to school for the first time. Happily.

If I hold on too tight, you will slip right out of my hands like slippery bar of soap. I will hold you softly in my heart and hands.  Softly.  Snugly. Relaxed in Gods goodness.  God gave you to me as a sweet, good gift. My job is to love. My job is to guide. My job is treat you as God's child. A gift.

Point your kids in the right direction—
    when they’re old they won’t be lost.

--Proverbs 22:6

Today boys, I am loosening my grip. I am not letting go- I am learning to hold you softer. So my sweet, sweet boys mommy loves you to the moon and back. As we both take one more tiny step away from each other tomorrow, I have full faith you are in wonderful hands. God is molding you every moment for the bright soul He wants you to become. Tomorrow is just a step in that direction. 

Softer Rachel, softer. 

By the way, this getting ready for school stuff is nonsense! What a job! 
Ethan has a bookbag too just so he feels included. :)


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