wanted: pastors wife
Wanted: Pastor's Wife.
Looking for a beautiful, well dressed and bubbly, social butterfly who plays piano and can handle several children with grace and style while lovingly supporting her husband, keeping him happy and volunteering in her own ministry as well. She also excels in hosting great parties at church and in her well-kept home. Knowing the Bible front and backwards is a must. The reward is in heaven, no salary or stipend and you will be a single mother on the regular. Bonus: you get an amazing, talented, loving and insanely handsome husband. ;)
God gave me this job. I did not, nor will I ever really qualify for it. My wardrobe consists mostly of sweatpants, I am often too serious, too honest (ha-obviously), I am socially awkward, I cannot hold a tune and I certainly don't handle my three boys with all that much grace or style. I love supporting my husband in his ministry and being his listening ear and sound board. I do volunteer in ministry only because I have a heart for moms. It's going slowly and certainly I am not that great at it. I am depending on God for that. I do enjoy throwing parties but I certainly do not have a well kept home. It's clean, but there are always toys on the floor, piles of laundry and a full dishwasher.
I am mostly writing this post today because I'm feeling especially burdened by my lack of seeing my husband. My heart is so happy he is doing what God called him to and he does it so well, with such brilliance and wisdom. My heart also feels a bit lonely. I miss him. Sometimes I just want him to myself. I know it is selfish. I want his nights and weekends. He hangs out with young adults whose hours are much different than that of a mom with three toddlers. Evenings and weekends are busy for him which means I am often left alone with them. I often don't make it to church because one is sick or they are too cranky. I can't ask him to stay home with them, he has to be there. I need church too. He often gets texts or calls all throughout the day and night. He is good at turning it off on occasion but some situations require attention now. So I am left alone again, mentally when he is texting or calling someone or burdened by a situation in his mind. Don't get me wrong- he is a very present husband and father but there has just been a lot of time lately he has been called away.
Handling three toddlers (two year old twins and a one year old) is physically and mentally exhausting. If you have kids, you know. Sometimes I just need a break. Sometimes I am just not strong enough. He needs a break too since he is working so much. People can really wear you down. Especially needy ones when you worry you are making no difference in people's lives. I battle whether I really need a break or he does. I work an insurance job aside from mommy, wife, cupcaker, volunteer and PW. Our lives are ministry. Every moment of every day. My heart is a little heavy today with this burden because I also consider this life of ministry a privilege and blessing. It just plain ole means its sometimes tough. It's not glamorous. My husband is just an associate so my burden is much less than those of wives whose husbands are the sole leader or main Pastor. This role is nothing like the show Sisterhood shows on television. Wow, what an inaccurate display.
On days when I feel overwhelmed I still have to support my husband, entertain people, put on a happy face and try to bless others. Sometimes I just don't feel like it. Sometimes this job stinks. Sometimes the house is a tornado site and I still haven't showered, still have to get the boys all dressed and out the door all while people are coming over for lunch in three hours. Meanwhile, Paul is at church. I am on my own. Today is one of those days. I miss my husband. I miss going to church. I miss sitting with Paul in church. I miss lazy family weekends. I miss being whoever I want without worrying what I say or do is not being judged. I am unworthy if this role by far.
Nevertheless, God has me here. I genuinely love it. I feel called to it. I know God wants us here. I am growing here. Obviously since I am having these growing pains- some days are just harder than others. In a few years I will look back at this post and laugh at my insecurity and menial thought I am sure. I know God has a bright calling for my husband and family but it doesn't mean the road to get there will be paved and marked. Sometimes it's bumpy, dirty and gives no real direction. It gets uncomfortable. It gets burdensome and stressful. It hits a few potholes.
But this Pastor's wife gig is part of my journey. I've always known it. I am excited to be able to be active in it one day instead of being the supportive, stay home with the kids, talk ministry ideas, listen to sermons, encouraging kind. On the job training I suppose.
I don't have to be Facebook friends with everyone in church, I don't have to pretend to be someone I am not, I don't have to live up to someone else's expectation of my role. I don't have to give my husband up for the church. I follow Jesus and his leading for my life just like everyone else. Today I choose joy. Today I choose love for others. Today I choose to support my husband without a sigh when he is called away again. Hopefully. ;) Every moment is training for the next moment God has for us. May I one day fill this role gracefully. May I cut myself some slack. May I not get fired. ;)
So in love with every part of who my husband is and where God has our family. My cup overflows.