Motherhood. I write about this complex life stage so generously because it has simply changed everything I am. I look at life with different eyes. My horizons broadened beyond just myself, my heart more filled than empty, my idea of what 'busy' was shook to the core. I realized today I am languishing in this role. I am not flourishing. Not on most days anyway. I do a little of both. Its like a downward slope. i start out the week refreshed, energized, organized, and ready to flourish. I feel like if i stay that way, if i keep all my plates spinning, i will be happy and at peace. i have grand plans to have a schedule of educational and creative activities all while keeping the house clean and dinner ready while fitting in some insurance work, husband time and me time in one evening. It starts out working well. as the hours progress, it begins to unravel a little at a time. i rush to fix it all, while things fall out of my overloaded arms i use a toe to pick up the missing piece. By day two i think i can manage the storm before it falls apart. By day four i am just trying to make it through the day. Day five and six, i begin snapping for no reason and am tempted to yell at my kids. Sometimes i do. day seven, well i begin to languish with blinders on and can only see myself and what is effecting me. I am looking for sympathy, for someone else to understand my burden. I am too easily frustrated, bothered and annoyed. I am tired, eat junk food, watch television, and have little motivation. Sometimes this cycle is longer, sometimes shorter. Sometimes I remain in one place for weeks at a time. Nevertheless, its not a flourishing cycle. I need to grow. I need to flourish and not languish in this place. It's not a terrible place, I live a very happy life. I need to discover a place of consistency and rooted thought in Christ throughout my day. I am desiring to grow as a mother, as Gods daughter.

In reading John ortbergs, "the me I want to become" he talks about living your life languishing or flourishing. (Great book so far, I recommend it highly) in reading it tonight, he spoke about choosing to live a flourishing life when you are spinning so many responsibilities at once. He said that our sole job is to focus on God and everything else will fall into place. So simple. So easy. Yet we complicate this for ourselves. Next he will be talking about discovering the flow. It sounds so nice, so serene. The flow. A life flowing with living water. We try to live our lives all on our own. We try. try, try, try. He says we start with guilt, we try harder, get tired, then we quit. Sounds like my cycle above. I love how he said, "self improvement is no more Gods plan than self-salvation." Ouch. Until I read the next chapter, until God speaks more into this part of my story I will live every moment in grace. Grace. Cut myself a break. Let God step in. Breathe in every moment with as much patience, joy and style as only God can give. Stop trying so hard, start flowing in Gods magnificent, life giving, brilliantly soothing, grace.

“Let anyone who is thirsty come to me and drink. Whoever believes in me, as Scripture has said, rivers of living water will flow from within them.” John 7:37


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