Motherhood so far...

Tuesday, April 03, 2012

It's been awhile. I've slacked on practicing Gods presence and photos. I don't know how I feel about that. Some days it energizes me others it's another chore. Maybe from now on I'll only write when I feel Gods leading. Like now.

No one tells you when you are 25 and wanting to have a baby that motherhood is down and dirty, emotional, overwhelming, all consuming, and plain old hard. It's all just butterflies and rainbows and women saying, "being a mommy is the best..." with a cheesy smile. I believed them. It wouldn't be that bad. Well i suppose having twins then being pregnant again five months later complicated things a little for my circumstance. When moms comment how being a mommy is so great, you in turn, not wanting to reveal that you are on edge, agree and smile just as cheesily. Let's be honest here ladies. Let's stop pretending we are fine when we are clearly not. Mothers everywhere are feeling not good enough because they don't feel the same way about being a mom.

Let's look at the honest day to day here. Getting up every two to three hours to tend to your baby is simply exhausting. an hour of sleep at a time is not healthy for your body, mind or marriage. You become someone else. The first few weeks you are on adrenaline then after a few months you are drained of adrenaline and you feel like you are literally dragging your body everywhere. Like your mind is not functioning, you can't think of the right words, you can't make decisions, you can't try to console a crying baby for more than 20 minutes without crying too. The house is not the same clean sanctuary it was. Your body hurts from a csection, you are fat and it's hard to move freely. Dinner still needs made, your husband still needs attention, you still need to shower and to put on makeup and a bra occasionally, thinking of going back to work next week and visitors are knocking at your door while the babies are crying. Your world has been in a tornado and dropped back into your house adding a crying baby (or two) into it. Let's just say its an adjustment. A huge, life altering adjustment. So if you are having a hard time while all the other mommies are smiling and commenting on Facebook how awesome it is, you are the norm. They are just trying to be positive.

Being positive is how I got through the past six months. That and constant, honest, sometimes tearful prayer. It has taken me a good six months to get used to this mommy adjustment with both Ethan and the twins. Ethan is seven months old and I am still getting used to this life but did not have a handle on it until maybe a month ago. Feeling like I have to be super mom, a lovely supportive wife, a great employee, pastors wife, maid, chef, daughter and friend all at the same time can be daunting. Very daunting. (ps- financially I have to work so don't judge a mom of three under two- id rather be home- and I looove my coworkers and boss)

When I was 25 I only saw a tiny human smelling of baby powder who I could dress up and take everywhere with me. My children would rarely cry and I would not be one of those moms whose life was totally different and I talked about my kids all the time. Well twenty five year old self, wake up. That's not reality.

While this post has had a mostly negative tone, I do not feel solely this way. With the tough moments there is balance in motherhood. It's just the reality of the day to day. Within those moments of frustration, loneliness, and feeling like a not good enough mother are moments of sheer, unspeakable joy.

Carrying tiny humans in my belly was monumentally joyful. Utterly amazing. Even through the back pain, nausea, headaches and braxtons I had an inner sense of purpose that made my soul just burst with delight. First, the fact I was pregnant at all with the twins or ethan was a sheer miracle. Second, feeling the life God had entrusted me with moving inside me still brings tears to my eyes. I loved being pregnant. I am so thankful i was able to experience it. Now that they are out of my womb, the deep love I have for them just grows every moment I know them more. Everytime we catch each others eye, when we laugh together, they learn something new, when I comfort them after a boo boo, when they reach out for me or hold my hand. Joy. Everyday along the journey of motherhood gets a sliver easier. The smiles and giggles get me through the tough moments, the tantrums, everyone crying all at once, the adjustment to caring for so many others while feeling I am losing myself. (I'm working on that, as are I think most moms.) So to my 25 year old self, yes being a mother is the most profoundly difficult job created but also carries the deepest, most fulfilling joy I have ever felt in this life. Approach motherhood with expectancy, just not expectancy that it will be as easy as people make it look or sound. Be prepared to have your world shaken. Surround yourself with Jesus, a supportive and involved husband, encouragers, good friends and family. Don't be too hard on yourself. It's a learning process with a steep curve. Baby steps. Just breathe, lean on Jesus and enjoy this wild, exciting ride.

So the reason I even started the practice God's presence project was to remind myself of the beautiful. To keep myself focused on the blessings, the laughter I had in my days amidst the babies all crying. I think this post has made me realize looking for the joy rather then the frustration is the key to living in His presence. Aware He is beside us as mothers encouraging us, holding us, molding us into his image. Jesus, may I see my life as you see it. May mothering be more of a joy for me everyday. May every moment be a gift. May I learn to be present with them as you are with me. May I continue to learn from my Father what it is to love my children deeply by being an example of how to live well. Thank you for holding me when I was tired and showing me so many lovely moments of joy. May I continue to see you and feel your presence throughout my day.

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1 comments

  1. Love this Rachel - thank you so much for being so candid. Very encouraging and very true. We are so very blessed.

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