Practicing Gods Presence

Practicing Gods Presence#17: walk by faith; a reprise

Sunday, January 22, 2012

Walk by Faith: My Infertility Story

The above link is what was on my heart exactly one year ago today. When I read it now, it's difficult to believe I was once in that place. The feeling of undeservedness, shock, confusion and joy are still very present when I reminisce. Look at the sweet face of my Ethan below now. Wow. If I were to just blink my eyes, I could be sitting there typing it all over again. Yet, in a very real way life has moved on and my wounds are healing. If you were to tell me then I would be where I am now I would have been in awe and disbelief. When you are in the midst of a whirlwind things just don't make sense, it's difficult to take it all in. Posting that almost did not happen. I had this deep feeling someone needed to hear miracles still happen. I heard from so many of you, so thank you for letting me know God used it to speak to you. Its's healing to reread it today. Hindsight is a gift from God. I can now see the big, giant picture and Gods fingerprints littered all over the place. Loitering my life. Then I could barely see my hand in front of me and I felt He had forgotten me. Today I would like to add a reprise to this phase of my story.


In the deepest part of me, I knew God would allow me to be a mother. I had no idea how it would happen but never let go of my faith. I thought that place in my life required all the faith I had and afterwards would be easy. I was wrong. Being a mother requires deep, unwavering, unshowered faith. Faith you dig from deep down, from years past, from places you thought were empty. The physicality of no sleep, running, carrying heavy babies, hormones, less showers then before, and more stuff to trip on is just a start. That physical stuff strips you down and your soul is all you have left to give. It reveals your weakness,your ugly places. Having three small children under 18 months old has been an even bigger challenge for me then carrying twins, or being pregnant while chasing twins. It's often hilarious but often full of sighs and loneliness. Getting out of the house with all these kids is often just plain old not worth. It is this balance of gritting my teeth and my cheeks hurting with laughter. God has grown me in those deep places you forget about during this past year. It's been ugly but beautiful all together. It's still in process and has some growing pains along with it. Overall, looking back and looking forward I have nothing but faith that He will never leave me. When things get tough, he is there. Maybe not in the time I like or the way I like but always rescues me, picks me up, and laughs with me.

If you are in a similar place I was in today, keep the faith. Don't cave into yourself- let God carry you. Each day has its difficulties, but pulling yourself up by your bootstraps is simply not enough. You can't do this alone, plain and simple. So give in, give up, let Him have control now. This struggle to have children is just the beginning. The struggle continues, just in a different way. I need Jesus as much today, surrounded by children as I did alone crying for a baby to hold. Either way you are His daughter, He is working in your life and you need Him every single step, pothole, fall, mountain, and sunrise. Take this time of trial to drink Him in deeply, filling every part of you. He is preparing you. His love for his daughter is deeper and wider than the longing you have to be a mother. Think about that. I still need to look at my 'faith' tattoo regularly and am thankful each step I take my Father is beside me insuring I won't sink. It might get wet and messy but if I keep my eyes focused on His iLl make it.

Have faith in Him. Peace, grace and love to you.

"Let nothing disturb you, nothing frighten you. All things are passing; God never changes. Patience overcomes all things; He who possesses God lacks nothings; God alone is sufficient." - St. Teresa of Avila



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1 comments

  1. That your story is beautiful. That your story will inspire others. That it is obvious, God has his hand in the life of your family.

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