august

Birth Month

Monday, August 01, 2011

It is August first. The month you will be born.
It has finally arrived. Time has gone by slowly yet looking back more quickly than I could have imagined.
I feel like it was yesterday I found out I was pregnant.

It was December 22nd and nonchalantly I went to my annual “womanly” appointment where they did a routine pregnancy test since I was a little late. I am always late so had no concern. The nurse came back in and said, “it’s negative.” Which I figured and am used to hearing. She came back in the room half way through the appointment and said, “Ummm…the test is showing a  faint positive.” To which I said, “What?!” and must have looked as if I would pass out since both the doctor and nurse moved in toward me with concerned faces and outstretched arms.  I was in shock. It could not be. After six years of trying to conceive and three doctors saying it would never happen- this was impossible. The doctor said she would give me a blood test to be sure. I don’t know how they got any blood since I was shaking like a scared puppy. I left the doctor’s office alone and with a head full of thought. I was the only one who knew this huge news. Paul was at home with your brothers. I was smiling with anticipation and fear. I knew the test was right. I have never had even a faint line in all my life. I felt like I was in the midst of a miracle. It was a surreal feeling- like I was outside of myself.  The whole drive home I was trying to figure out how to tell Paul. I had always dreamed of all these creative ways I never got to use. I thought I would never have the chance to say, “surprise I am pregnant!” and now here I am. In that place. All I could do when I walked in the door was smile. That big, huge uncontrollable smile you have when you simply cannot hide exciting news. I said, “Paul, I am glad you are sitting down because the doctor took a pregnancy test and it was positive.”  He said, “What?!” I think he said it several times. He did not believe me. He really did not believe me- he thought I was joking. I told him I had to have a blood test to be sure and they would call me tomorrow. He thought for sure it was wrong. I knew it wasn’t. I could feel it.  It was a kairos time. A time in life where everything is redirected for something gorgeous God has in store. The next day drug on while I waited for that phone call. At 3:15 on my way home from work- I got the call. I was pregnant. I remember tears filling my eyes when I was driving. The kind that makes it sort of hard to see. I was so happy and excited but scared to death at the same time.  I knew God did miracles but never thought He would use me. He did use me. Little ole’ me. What a feeling of humility, honor and joy. It was two days before Christmas and I held it in- gritting my teeth- until Christmas day. After all the gifts were opened, I handed a gift bag to my mom and Andrea for the best gift of all. A gorgeous picture of a positive pregnancy test. Luckily, Uncle Sam caught the end of the shocking news in a video. All babies are miracles, but you baby are an exception. You are not just a miracle- you are divine intervention.

I have never been pregnant this long. It will be 37 weeks tomorrow. I was only pregnant 34 weeks and 6 days with your brothers.
It has been a joy having you in my belly. You move around so much more than your brothers. It’s beautiful having a constant reminder of your closeness to me.
Although you are constantly in my ribs- I still love having you in there. I want you to know that your daddy took great care of me while you were in my belly too.  He gave me a back rub every single night for the last few months. Really. He did dishes most nights since my belly was too big to lean over the sink without my back hurting. He also rubbed my belly and talked to you. He can’t wait to hold you. Your brothers can’t wait to steal your paci from you and kiss your face. I can’t wait to snuggle you and look into your eyes. Although I am pretty uncomfortable, hot and sometimes moody I enjoy being pregnant. The last few weeks are just the end of the marathon where you don’t know how much longer you can run. Especially with a bowling ball in your belly. Ha. All that said, I am glad to be in the home stretch. I want to treasure the moments of being pregnant with you. I want to remember the details- which is why I write this to you. See you in a few weeks baby boy. Happy August!

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