infertility

Hiding in Him

Thursday, April 28, 2011

“I’m pregnant.”
I used to hate those words. I hated them but could not wait until I could say them.
Seems like I have been hearing those words a lot lately.
Two years ago I would have been so envious. I would have dwelled on it, wondered when my time was coming, if it was coming, and was God punishing me?? Was I stuck in a time warp here? I told myself I would have a baby by 25 and here I was 28 and broke from buying so many pregnancy tests that came up negative.  I was stuck while the world passed me by.  Sure a little piece of me was happy for them, but mostly sad for me.  Selfish, I know. When you try for years and years to conceive your world becomes smaller and smaller by the day. You grow more lonely, more impatient, and more self focused. Odd since this is the opposite of what motherhood asks of you. I think it was the enemy’s way of eating at me-day by day- breaking me down and making me think God did not care. When I was going through my infertility God brought to my attention that I ought to use this place in my life as a time of spiritual growth since it seemed I was growing more and more upset with God. I journaled just about every day and practiced several spiritual disciplines I was having trouble with (fellowship, celebration, silence, hospitality).  I could go on and on about this time in my life but am simply reflecting today on where God has brought me. I don’t know if you are trying for your first child or your third but it can be a very difficult process when so many around you seem to just look at a man and get pregnant. Just know that God is walking right next to you. He feels your pain when someone else tells you they are expecting or when someone asks you when you are having a baby and you have to hide your pain. He is there when you and your husband both feel a burden on your shoulders you can’t seem to shake. He wants to take it from you.  It may be tomorrow, in a few years, through adoption or even through childless living.  My point is- don’t let yourself get lonely, upset, withdrawn and closed off to God’s joys in life. Celebrate where God has you and use this time in your life to learn who God has called you  to be.

Waiting is often divine intervention. Waiting is a spiritual discipline. We don’t like it but God makes us better through it.  I am a much better mother today for it. I feel like I appreciate my children more as miracles then accidents. I am more patient since I had to wait so long to have them- I know how to bite the bullet better. I am in a time of waiting now in a sense too. Waiting to have this next miracle child I was told I would never have. God is so much bigger than an circumstance we hand Him. Medical issues, finances, spiritual upheaval, and the list goes on- He will prevail. So press on. Be open and listen to what God is telling you. Is He asking you to be patient? To get prepared? Or is He telling you no?  For me, I feel God is telling me to dig deep and get close to Him because my spiritual and emotional state are about to be rocked like they never have before. I am thankful for the circumstance He brought me through because it has turned me in to the daughter, mother and wife I am today. I used to be afraid of this verse but now I feel joy when I hear it because it rings true in my life,  
Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,[a] whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. 4 Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. 5 If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. 6 But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.” James 1
So don’t doubt God. Have faith. He is working this very moment. Don’t hide from Him- hide in Him.

Good and beautiful God- thank you from the deepest part of me for being the Father you are to me. Thank you for walking with me through the storm – even when I thought I could do it alone. Thank you for the joys I have in my life and how I am able to experience them because of your perfect timing.  I ask you to hold my hand and help me prepare for the next challenge on the horizon. I have faith you will guide me and give me wisdom now in this waiting time and in the future. May other women who are facing similar times of waiting find comfort in your loving embrace today. May they draw themselves closer to your love and have faith in Your divine time of waiting. May peace and grace fill us today and may we be overflowing with Your love and light.

For my infertility story- click here.

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2 comments

  1. Rachel, your words are so encouraging to so many women out there! Praise God He knows whats best for us...because the older I get, the more I realize that I don't, but He does!

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  2. Aw thanks Shanessy. I agree!! :)

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