I heard our new babies heartbeat last Friday. Magical.
The doctor was searching for it for about 2 minutes and my heart starting beating fast and hard praying she would find it. Those were the longest two minutes ever. The thoughts racing through my head! And in an instant- she found it and my fears turned to joy. Paul and I looked at each other and smiled. Our smiles spoke volumes. It was a good strong heart beat but the baby was just hiding. Similar to his/her brothers when they were in my belly- always hiding behind my organs.

14 week baby
Having a human being growing inside of you is this weird, outside of yourself sort of feeling. It is hard to explain. It's like you know something glorious and miraculous is happening inside of you, but since you can't see it--it's hard to grasp the reality of it all. When I look at pictures online of what my baby could look like- I am in awe. I stare at it for a long time- imaging if that is what my baby looks like, if its a he or a she, what they will be like, what they are thinking right now. Are they happy in there? Sometimes I forget I am pregnant at all. Then when I try to bend over, get heartburn, or my sciatica starts acting up I am reminded of the reasoning behind my body being all weirded out. I have not felt any kicking yet- maybe a few tiny flutters since the baby is only the size of a lime right now. Although I did not expect to pregnant so soon after the twins, I do enjoy pregnancy and I knew I wanted to do it again. It is easy for me to say this now as I am far away from my third trimester where the annoyances of pregnany rear thier ugly head full force.

It makes me sort of think of the process I went through to get pregnant the first time. It took seven years. It took seven years but the whole time God was growing a miracle in my soul. It was slow growing and becasue I couldn't see it I was not aware of it's presence. Once I became aware God was doing something, I felt like I was in the third trimester for a few years. It was uncomfortable, sometimes painful,  I was emotional and inpatient. I had no idea when God would allow me to "give birth" to the miracle He was working on in me. I had no idea what that miracle was, a baby through me, adoption, or childless living. I was tired of being "pregnant."  I don't know what kind of miracle God is working on in your life but even though you can't see what is going on inside of you, God sees. He is working on every detail. So allow Him to grow you, stretch you, and fill you with miracles. When the time is right, He will reveal the bright, lovely thing He has been working on with a huge smile on His face. "Look child! Look what I have been working on for you." Maybe it will just be a heartbeat- just to show you something wonderful is happening in you.  Nothing compares to hindsight- looking back on the way He has had His hand on me in the light and dark times. My cup runneth over and I have no fear of giving comlete control to Him now. I pray you can do the same.

Whatever you are "pregnant" with today- listen for the heartbeat of God working in your soul. May Gods face shine upon you today as you seek Him.

Psalm 139: 13-14


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