ivf

walk by faith

Friday, January 21, 2011

I cannot be silent. Miracles have been littering my life lately and it would be remiss of me not to give a public standing ovation to my brilliant and hilarious God. Despite my typical desire for privacy I feel like someone needs to hear miracles still happen. Maybe it's you. So, I have a story to tell if you have the time and motivation to read.

The word “faith” is tattooed on my left foot. I got it a few years ago right after Mothers Day after a few years of thought. I felt like I would need it one day for something. Did I ever.

I think it's innate for most women to want to become a mother someday. Seemed easy enough a task to accomplish. No one ever told me how hard it would be to see two pink lines. Year after year of negative pregnancy tests deeply wore on every emotion. I literally took at least a hundred of the things. I allowed myself to become overly busy to forget my pain. I felt God whispering, “rest” to me over and over and I ignored Him. The busy helped hide the pain of not being good enough, of having some hidden sin, of being less than a women- a women who could not have a baby. All my friends were having first and second babies- I hosted their showers holding back tears. Every baby, pregnant women, and family I saw reminded me of my inability to have a baby. Every person asking, “when are you having a baby?” was a kick to the gut. I smiled and pretended I was fine- for years. If they only knew how much I wanted a family. Every single day grew more and more difficult. My struggles were hidden from every one and I felt like a liar. A small group of very special people who knew were praying for me one night and that night I opened my Bible to Genesis 30:22 which read, “and God remembered Rachel, He opened her womb and she gave birth to a son.” I wept when I read the passage. This passage gave me hope that God had not forgotten this present day Rachel either. He had plans and though I was in a dark night- He was closer than ever.

After almost six years, I felt God leading me toward fertility treatments and I was surprised. I didn’t think I wanted or believed in it until God gave me permission. I breathed a sigh of relief. I knew I needed to try every avenue to fulfill my calling to motherhood and this was the first of many options. (Little did I know that one of four couples has fertility issues. It’s an unspoken epidemic) I listened to God and gave up my busy- it was time to rest- time to take in the sights of where God had me. The financial stress, daily appointments, daily shots and drugs were an emotional rollercoaster. It took a toll on every part of me- I was a wreck. I was different now. My husband supported and held me up in prayer in an amazing way but now we were labeled infertile. We always will be. We cannot get pregnant on our own. Paul had cancer when he was a teenager and I have a problem that makes it intensely difficult to conceive. I finally made it to our first embryo transfer...finally. Yet another negative pregnancy test. I was crushed- another failure. God lifted me up and immediately I wanted to press on and try again. We did all the medication and surgery again. It’s a lengthy painful process. Will it work? What is God doing here? On the operating room table I wanted two embryos transferred- they advised against it for health reasons. I felt like I could not go through another failure-another heartache- two gave me a better chance. I looked at the tattoo on my foot and said, “God, this is a step of faith- we will only put in one embryo. You will do what you will.”
So we put in one embryo.

Fourteen days later we got the call- finally for the first time in my life I was pregnant! What joy. A few days later we found out that one little embryo split into two tiny miracles babies. I was in shock. Look what God had done! I had faith and He was more than faithful-He doubled my blessing. As I write this my eyes fill with tears and my heart beats loudly as I look back at God’s smiling face upon our lives. Despite many complications and scares- God was faithful and I delivered Jude which means “praise” and Levi means “joined in harmony” at 35 weeks by emergency c-section. I glanced at my foot yet again in faith that these preemie babies would be okay. They spent 13 days in the NICU and are now happy, healthy, and the joy of my life.

I write this to you- such a personal story- only because I need you to know that whatever dark night you are in- He is there. I don't know if you even believe in God but I hope this shows you He is working in our lives this very moment. When you feel like God is ignoring you and feel like giving up- don’t. Maybe it’s not in the timing you like maybe not the way you like- but He is faithful. I am also writing this to tell you that as I look down at my foot it still reminds me of God’s faithfulness. I have great hope for the future and what God has in store. After over seven years of being infertile, having to use IVF to get pregnant and getting pregnant with identical twins- I know God is in control- not me. The word “faith” on my foot has served as a brilliant reminder of Gods bright shining smile upon my life. Through pain, darkness and depression He brought joy and light. I will continue to need this “faith” reminder because as you read this I am nauseous. Yes- I am shocked to say that I am expecting another baby! A baby I was told I would never have on my own. A baby God has given Paul and I when we never expected. It’s with great joy (and albeit fear) I announce a new member will be joining our family. How will I be a mother to 14-month-old twin boys and a new baby?? And work?? Honestly, I have no idea. I have no plan of how we will make it – but I am sure God does. I suppose I will have to continue to look down at my foot and remember all God asks of me is to walk by faith. He has been faithful before and will be again. He asks me to trust Him and His plan.

May my little story serve as an example to you or someone you know as a reminder that God is so much bigger than any problem you face. He has His hands on our lives even when we feel alone and stuck. He has covered my pain with grace and joy and made it into a beautiful pearl. When someone tells you it’s impossible, God says He is bigger. When you feel God is not with you, He is just so close you can’t see Him. Wherever you are in your relationship with God- close or far- I urge you to simply walk by faith and see where He takes you. Miracles still happen.


Luke 1:45

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6 comments

  1. Wow Rachel! What a WONDERFUL testimony! God IS faithful! Congratulations on the new baby!

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  2. Thank you Rachel and Paul for sharing! I'm so glad to know your story and I guess God must be AWFULLY close to me right now too! Thanks for the HOPE!

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  3. Thanks for your comments guys. It was difficult putting myself out there for sure but couldn't get over the nudging to do it. So happy it brought you hope Linda. Praying God gives you the desires of your heart.

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  4. Rachel, thank you for putting your story out there and reminding me that the Lord is in control and that all things are in His time, not mine. May He contine to pour blessings upon you and your family!

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  5. Hi Rachel! The Lord has lead me to this page only to find myself with tears rolling down my face. Not out of sadness, but out of complete joy, hope and so much gratitude for you being open in sharing your story. My husband and I are preparing to start the IVF journey and if I could share my feelings on paper, it would be exactly like your first 3 paragraphs. I've oftern times felt alone and alienated in this situation and I am extremely encouraged today that someone out there knows exactly how I feel. I never knew I was really feeling this way since I am in the busy business and an expert at not looking at my own pain -- not until I read this blogpost. Thank you again for sharing and for the reminder of God's awesome faithfulness and goodness! I am excited to be able to share our story and encourage others, just as you have done through your testimony. To God be the Glory!

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    1. Ginny, thank you so much for commenting. I wrote this post a few years ago, nervous to share it, for someone just like you to be lead to it. God is the coolest. Now is a great time to slow down, let go of the busy and truly experience these moments in your life. I will certainly keep you and your husband covered in prayer during this time. Feel free to email me or comment anytime!! God's richest blessings upon you :)

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