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I wait for bedtime for so many reasons.
To rest, sit down, to breathe but most importantly to meet with Jesus and reflect, refresh and restore my soul.
Sweatpants and honesty required.
Come sit with me momma.



September 20, 2014

This Gift...

I wrote this post about Ethan being my last babe back in August.
About the ache I feel knowing that he was the last tiny babe to grow in my belly. The ache motherhood is moving on. The ache. If you are a mom, you have likely felt it. 

After much prayer, thoughts of how crazy we must be, and more prayer Paul and I decided we would give growing our family one year of whatever happens. We are happy with three. The ache was still there for one more. After seven years of infertility we did not know what was possible but it was in God's hands. June 2014 was the deadline we talked to God about. It came and went. This post about Ethan being my last was written two months after our timeline was over. Conversations were had, prayers were prayed, tears shed. Obviously God showed us we were done. We were beyond happy with three awesome boys. I still had a small ache but I knew God would fill it with His goodness as He always has. His plans are always, always so much better than mine.

Apparently when I was writing this post, a tiny babe was already growing in my womb. I did not realize at the time amidst the running around after three toddlers, working, volunteering and picking up legos all day. Today I am several weeks into my second trimester with my fourth child. Paul and I are overjoyed. The boys are overjoyed. We are also scared to pieces. Pieces!! Money, jobs, starting all over can be paralyzing. 

What is so funny about God is, He does things inside us when we are too busy to even realize it. We think He has forgotten us. Not God, He is working out something beautiful just for us, always. Beauty innerwoven with gifts of love from our Father all behind the scenes. He is working out good for those who love Him. This pregnancy, this baby is that gift for me. I got pregnant in June. Right at the timeline where God and me agreed we would move on if nothing happened. God likes to make me wait because I am the most impatient person He may have made. Seven years to get married, seven to have my first babies, and now this one over a year later. I am learning. I am growing. 

I am grateful beyond measure for this gift after being given a less than 1% chance of conceiving on our own. This gift of being able to experience life growing in my womb for the last time. This gift of seeing my husband's face when I showed him the pregnancy test. This gift of laughing  and in shock at what we are about to embark upon. This gift of seeing my boys faces when they found out mommy had a baby in her belly. So many little gifts. I will treasure them all. Whatever gift God is working on behind the scenes in your life or you are currently living in, slow down and enjoy each one. He created those gifts just for you. Just for you honey child. Just for you. What beauty, what grace, what joy. 

Honestly with love,
The crazy preggo lady (Rachel)

PSA: I would love a boy or a girl equally- seriously. 
I am due in Feb/March 2015. Anatomy scan is in two weeks. 
Don't judge people based on the size of their family. Every child is a gift. You chose for yourself, I will choose for mine. ;)

Psalm 127:3-5
Don’t you see that children are God’s best gift?
    the fruit of the womb his generous legacy?
Like a warrior’s fistful of arrows
    are the children of a vigorous youth.
Oh, how blessed are you parents,
    with your quivers full of children!
Your enemies don’t stand a chance against you
    you’ll sweep them right off your doorstep.

Excited to have a fistful or arrows, armed with Christ, to send out into the world. I couldn't decide on which pic to post so I picked them all!






September 17, 2014

Good Days vs Bad Days

Today was a good day.
You know, the kind that makes this whole motherhood thing worth it.
The kind that starts to heal over all those tender, open wounds of feeling like a writhing failure as a mother. That you are messing up your kids. That you cannot seem to get it together. The wounds that if left untreated will be poured salt upon day after day after day and only worsen with time.

We moms need these good days to be balms of healing ointment for our souls. To remind us our kids are joys. To look in their sparkling blue eyes and feel that bubbling over, deep love you never knew you could have. We need these good days. 

Sometimes we need to find them amidst the bad ones. 
Sometimes we just need a moment.

You know, those rough days where you had to sleep with a wiggly toddler and only had eyes closed "sleep" that never really made it to real sleep. Where you wake up to screaming and demanding of sustinence at 6am. Where you trip over toys, fight over meals, forget things, drop things, are late to work, where you yell and feel that drop in your soul for it. Where you find a week old banana covered in fruit flies in your couch. Where you give and give and work and pour out more of yourself then you thought you had left and it is still not enough. Those days, when they happen day in and out for weeks and weeks can wear on your very soul. They can make you more irritable. More wounded and in need of healing than ever.



What kind of day did you have? Have you had lately?

I'll admit it. Mine haven't been the greatest lately. I have seen improvements the last few days and today was just a joy.

Let me share my secret. 

I took care of myself.
Gasp.
The horror if a mother caring for herself. 
I honestly haven't done this well in years. Years people. I feel guilt when I do. 

Over the last three days I worked out. I wrote. I read the Bible. I prayed for my children, my husband and myself. I prayed for our future. I spent some real quality time with my dark and handsome husband. I listened to music. I spent over an hour this morning in am empty house (rare people!) doing nothing but eating a few cookies and watching a morning show. I didn't clean. I took a deep breath. Most of all, I did all of these things slowly and without rush. I did them with intention. 

Find something that makes you feel you. Not momma. Painting, writing, photography, reading. Take care of yourself. I was such a better mom today for it. I was more patient, quiet talking, and just happy. They deserve that kind if mom. I deserve it too. I need to slap that mom guilt in the face and just take care of my self. You too. You too!!

Start now. If even only for a moment. Allow Jesus to some in and start glazing over your wounded mothering heart with His balm of peace, love, joy, patience, self control and gentleness. Let Him take care of you then you take care of you. You will become a better momma for it. You will. Go. Now.

Honestly with love,
Rach



August 19, 2014

Last: Ethan Turns Three

Tomorrow I will wake up and the last tiny babe that grew inside my belly will be three years old.
Three.

He was growing in my belly long before I knew of him, before I ever expected him and before I ever knew love could be so wide and so, so deep.
The last one. The last baby.


At the time I didn't know he would be the last human of three to grow and twist and kick inside me. 
I didn't know it was the last time I would press newborn skin upon my chest or breathe in deeply his new sweet smell. The last time I would nurse a fuzzy headed baby and we would fall asleep chest to chest. The last time I'd be filled with fear and wonder and newfound love leaving the hospital with a new human. The last time I'd be up all night feeding, wear spit up on my shirt or baby wear him everywhere I could. The last first tooth, first words, first steps. The last potty training, the last terrible twos, the last one's first day of school.
I grieve those lasts.
I grieve them because in those moments I never thought about the fact that they could be my lasts.
I didn't breathe in deeply and experience those moments as I should. I just wanted through them.
I am grateful for the sweet aromas of those memories of my last tiny babe. 
I am grateful for the future of what is to come. That I can experience those lasts more deeply now that I am aware they exist. 




Ethan Joseph your dimpled smile lights up any room with joy.
It always has, always will.
You may be my last but every moment with you is new. 
Happy third birthday to my spunky, spirited blonde baby.
My surprise, my insight into my own stubborn heart, my tiny dancer.

In love with you more each day. Happy birthday!!


Honestly with love,
Rachel

August 13, 2014

Sometimes

Barefoot in the silent kitchen, the warm summer breeze danced in as the night sky darkened. My house was quiet and I was packing lunches for three sweet boys. Careful to put in just the right balance between healthy foods and things they would eat. I get this feeling packing lunch for them is my way of loving them while I cannot be with them. I love them in how I cut their sandwich just so, how I pack only a certain brand of cheese crackers and how I write smily faces on their ziplock bags.

In the coupon cutting, the starting of the crockpot in the early morning, the folding of clothes and baking of muffins I am loving them. In the filling out of field trip forms and ordering of school books. In the worrying how they will adjust to school and if they will make friends. In the 2am rocking and changing of wet sheets. The kissing of boo-boos. In the things no one can see but must be done. 

Sometimes I feel invisible in it all. 
Standing there, barefoot in the kitchen alone.
Invisible.
Sometimes only God can see the heartfelt love that I put into my family.
Sometimes, that is enough.

He sees me.
Knowing He is standing right next to me, cheering me on, giving me medals of motherhood while I do the mundane. Knowing He is stirring up all sorts of deeper and deeper love magic in these unseen things. Knowing those unseen things, the ones done in unclothed devotion and love, are often the ones that matter most. The quiet places where He whispers, "I see you loving them. I see you."

Whether your husband, kids, friends, or the Internet see what you do and praise you for it or not does not matter. Those things done out of a heart of love, servitude and grace in the quiet places are those things that fill us the most. Seen or unseen. Heard or unheard. Alone or surrounded.
He sees, He hears, He is standing right beside you this very moment. He is for you. Your silent cheering section. Let that be enough.

Honestly with love,
Rachel



Matthew 6:3-4
But when you give to the needy, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, so that your giving may be in secret. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you.